I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
~David Lee Roth
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
~Les Dawson
I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
~Norman Wisdom
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
~Emo Philips
I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
~Emo Philips
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
~Rod Schmidt
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
~Mitch Hedberg
I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
~Paul Lynde
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
~Bertrand Russell
I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
~Howard Nemerov
I’d luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
~Bette Davis
